Too busy writing, to write.

The problem with the future is that it’s always there. And sits like a stern prefect dictating what I need to do today. Luckily, I’ve got the patience of a saint. Probably my only saintly quality…

Letter from a fly to Huntingdon District Council

The weekly cycle of refuse collection played havoc with our reproduction: whole generations carried off without a thought. That’s what prompted me to write in the first place. Thankfully, we’re now back to normal, and the place is buzzing again. So I’d like to thank you not once, but several millions of times on behalf of my family and me.

An open letter to the National Lottery Jackpot Manager

I would be an ideal candidate for a jackpot win because unlike many of your winners, I truly understand the responsibility that comes with that amount of money, and I am able and more than ready to take it on.

Loose men, loose women and good losers.

There was no grace in Russell Brand’s actions. And in getting carried along in the glee of the moment, there was no grace in Jonathan Ross’ actions either. There needs to be a lot more grace in our society. Instead we seem to be doing everything possible to eliminate it.

Why you should keep nursery rhymes out of the nursery

‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad.’ Philip Larkin wrote. How? They start early — by reading you nursery rhymes. Why for heaven’s sake! They’re so depressing. So full of doom and gloom. Take Humpty Dumpty for starters: Fat, sits on a wall, falls off, breaks into loads of pieces and is irreparable. Or [...]

This unsustainable world

It amazes me that anyone is amazed at the current state of the economic world. It doesn’t take an expert to realise that it can never work the way it was and is. I’m no economist. I’m just your average person with an average intelligence, who’s aware of the world I live in. For what [...]

Things I’ve said this week to my teething son:

Dominic, please don’t eat mummy’s slipper.
Dominic, please don’t eat mummy.
Dominic, please don’t eat your cot.
Dominic, please don’t eat the fireguard.
Dominic, please don’t eat the carpet.
Dominic, please don’t eat the piano … or the piano stool.
Dominic, please don’t eat Mr gorilla’s arm (torn from a pop-up book).
Dominic, please don’t eat poor parrot’s tail (torn from the [...]

Surging into the future

Monday morning. Strange waking up and not having a job to go to, so I decided to carry on with my usual routine of babysitting, drinking coffee and dog walking, then settling down to work. I never used to drink coffee, only green tea. Which is not strictly true, as I always had one cup [...]

On the market

I’ve made my mind up. I’m putting myself and the house on the market.

Oh dear! I’ve been made redundant.

I was made redundant on Monday, and woke up on Tuesday morning with a smile on my face. Any tips for the future gratefully received.