Huntingdon District Council
Pathfinder House
St. Marys St,
Huntingdon,
PE29 3TN
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing as a follow-up to my recent letter, to thank you from the bottom of my thorax for changing your refuse collection cycle so that you now empty the bins every two weeks. As I explained in my last letter: previously my family and I led a precarious existence for reasons which I was too distressed at the time to talk about, but which I am now happy to explain. I hope I’m not being too risqué by talking about the lifecycle of what is often called the ‘Common’ Housefly — I cannot think why we are labelled with this insulting misnomer, but this is a separate issue I am currently pursuing with the Equal Opportunities Commission. That aside, the reproductive cycle of a housefly is around 12 days. I cannot begin to tell you how heartbreaking it was to see great hoards of my prospective family — most merely maggots, some no more than tiny eggs — being transported away when the refuse was collected on a weekly basis. The new two-week collection is infinitely better, as it fits in perfectly with our reproductive cycle.
Our adult life is preciously short as it is — between one and three months, and that’s without various threats to our already slight existence, especially being pursued relentlessly by newspapers, mostly tabloids. During this time we can produce up to five batches of up to 150 eggs. These can take up to two days to hatch into larvae. What follow is a few difficult days, when each maggot is a seething mass of hormones — a state with which the parents of any teenager will no doubt sympathise. Dealing with one unruly teenager can be difficult enough, imagine what it’s like trying to deal with 150! Needless to say it’s a blessing when they finally pupate, a stage which can take anything from three days to four weeks. And I don’t mind admitting that it’s a case of the longer the better if one has a particularly boisterous batch. I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a bad mother. Thankfully they emerge as full-grown adults, and of course have only two thoughts on their mind…
With as many as 12 generations in one season, you don’t have to be a genius at arithmetic to work out that this totals 4.75145E+24, give or take a few. Of course this is an ideal figure, but sadly — as I’ve already mentioned, many don’t survive. Good taste forbids me from mentioning the number taken by anglers for example — it breaks my heart to think about the fate of those poor little maggots.
The weekly cycle of refuse collection played havoc with our reproduction: whole generations carried off without a thought. That’s what prompted me to write in the first place. Thankfully, we’re now back to normal, and the place is buzzing again. So I’d like to thank you not once, but several millions of times on behalf of my family and me.
Wishing you all the best for this festive season. Oh, and a special thank you for our Christmas bonus of the extra few days before the next collection. We’ll certainly take advantage of this, especially with all those extra turkey and goose carcasses around!
I remain
Yours faithfully,
etc.
