The Jackpot Manager
The National Lottery
PO Box 1010
Liverpool
L70 1NL
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to you in connection with the National Lottery, because I am seriously considering giving it up, and you only have yourselves to blame. The reason is that whenever I do it, I never win. Of course — as you’ll see from your records — I don’t do it very often. However I have done it on and off regularly since it started, so I must be one of your most loyal customers. But where’s the incentive if I’m consistently losing my investment? I’m not alone when I say that I think if you could see your way to making me win now and again, I would definitely consider doing it more often, which would be a win-win situation, because you would gain more funds from my investment to put towards good causes, and towards the jackpot fund. In fact if I did win a large sum, such as the jackpot of say, several million, I would buy twice the number of tickets as I do now. Which means that I’d buy a ticket on alternate Wednesdays as well as my twice-monthly Saturday ticket. (So you’d actually be getting some of the money back!). Furthermore, I think I am probably one of your most committed customers when it comes to being ‘In it to win it’.
I would be an ideal candidate for a jackpot win because unlike many of your winners, I truly understand the responsibility that comes with that amount of money, and I am able and more than ready to take it on. You can rest assured that I won’t go down the Vivienne Westwood route of ‘Spend! Spend! Spend!’, nor will I fill a remote corner of Norfolk with pimped-up cars and loose women. I am a fully-grown adult with a responsible wife and son, both of whom are poised, ready to invest in sensible shoes and educational toys. Of course there’s a wild streak in everyone, but I can assure you my wife keeps my dreams of owning a touring motorcycle well in check. She also keeps a diligent eye on my modest consumption of alcohol. So any of the usual fears you might have about adverse publicity would not apply. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the money would be in a safe pair of hands. I do not even have a criminal record, which I hope won’t count against me as a prospective jackpot prize-winner. I am more than willing to eschew any publicity and manage my winnings in virtual anonymity (please note I use the word ‘manage’, rather than ‘enjoy’). In fact it’s fair to say that fame has never held any attraction for me. As you may have guessed by now, I’m a fairly philosophical person, I understand true values and I have always held that the only real luxuries in life are time and space. Winning the lottery jackpot would help me enjoy both of these with deeper intent (i.e. ‘enjoy’ in a philosophical sense, rather than the material). And finally, I would add that I am more than prepared to take on the added responsibility of winning during a rollover week. I hope this helps. And one last point — I’d be very grateful if you could sort this out in the next week or two, as I was recently made redundant.
Yours sincerely,
Mr C L Bollington
PS: It’s just been pointed out to me that it wasn’t Vivienne Westood who spent all her money, it was Viv Nicholson (and it was only a £152,319 pools win, so I can’t see what the fuss was about anyway). Apparently Vivienne Westwood is a humble seamstress, who probably also could do with a lottery win, so apologies for this slight error.
